Tuesday, March 22, 2011

One Year Ago Today ....

Rick lost his job of 25 years.  They gave him a severance package which was a blessing.  It says in the Bible in Romans 8:28 that all things work for the good, but quite frankly, I don't see how this is true in this case.  It has been a nightmare.... Rick was out of work for four months and then started working for his brother at his auto repair shop making half of what he was.  He really hates working there because his brother yells at him and puts him down on a daily basis by telling him he isn't worth what he pays him, but he needs the job.  We are barely making our mortgage payment and the creditors have started calling multiple times a day.  I can't give them what I don't have.  It will come down to what should be paid our COBRA or our mortgage which is a total no brainer..... COBRA.  My daughter can't be without health insurance or her medicine or she will die.  I am grateful as I know it could be worse but somedays I struggle to believe that God is good and that he wants what is best for me.  It will probably come down to us filing bankruptcy also.  I know that we have made bad choices and have lived above our means and maybe this is our punishment. 

I feel bad because I don't have a job but I truly believe in my gut that I must be at home even though Nicole is sixteen and can take care of herself.  She does have a chronic, life-threatening illness and if something were to happen I need to be available. Rick has the car during the day and doesn't get home to at least 6:30 p.m. I don't drive because of panic attacks which makes me feel bad because I feel like I should be able to suck it up and just do it, plus I get judged and ridiculed for it.    Maybe, this is just an excuse. I have tried all of Nicole's life to find some type of work at home business but haven't been successful except selling Avon which I didn't make any money at because I spent all the profits on buying "stuff".    I have always believed and learned to trust my gut but in the last couple of years it seems to be deceiving me.  When I was diagnosed with my carcinoma in situ I felt God say to me that I needed to get my house in order and clear out the clutter. I have resisted this and haven't done so.  There's a very real possibility we will lose our house and I look around and know that 95% of what we have we will have to sell/give away.  I see why God put this too me now. I will make every effort to do  so at this point. Around the same time I felt God leading me to quite selling Avon but I resisted again and continued for another year, even after Nicole's diagnosis.  Last week or so I was grading papers or something at my desk and I felt God speak to me again that I needed to go  back to school for a pharmacy technician as I believe in some way this will help Nicole.  I don't know why I believe this because we don't have any money and if anybody should go back to school it should be Rick so he can find a better job where he may make more money.  All he knows is cable.  I know with God all things are possible but I'm not in my 20's or 30's and will turn 50 this year.  I am just to the point where  I can't rely on my gut anymore.  I have also had some other gut feelings that I won't share but they have not come to pass either. 

I don't want sympathy and for people to feel sorry for me as I know we all have struggles and our own problems but I just feel the need to vent.  Somedays I don't have faith, hope or believe in miracles as we need one financially and one for my daughter's health.  Most days it is just a struggle to get through it and I count the hours until I can go to bed at night and sleep so I don't have the worries etc. 

If you have read this far .... thanks.  Also, I would just like to apologize for my lack of grammar and punctuation skills which I was never good.


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