Sunday, December 18, 2011

I don't understand...

I don't understand and I haven't for almost two years.  For those who know me well you know that I absolutely love Joyce Meyer.  If you don't know who she is she is a teacher of the Word.  I start my day every morning (unless I oversleep or I have an exam) with her.  I was watching her this morning and the message was so appropriately titled " Trusting God When You Do Not Understand".  This was very powerful and emotional for me. 

I haven't understood my life for almost two years since that Friday morning on January 23rd when I found out that my then 15 1/2 year old daughter, my only child, had been born with a large hole in her heart that had not been detected and because of this lack of diagnosis she now has a rare, incurable lung disease called pulmonary arterial hypertension which has caused irreversible damage to her lungs. 

I don't understand ... I don't question why or how she could have been born with a congenital heart defect as they are the most common birth defect in the United States with approximately 1 in 125 children having one.  What I question and can't wrap my brain around is how did it take 15 years for it to be detected.  How did a cardiologist when Nicole was 7 years old read an EKG during an endoscopy as normal.  Nicole has never and will never without a heart transplant have a normal EKG.

I don't understand why my daughter and my family have to go through this.  I cry everytime I think or have to say that my daughter is terminally ill.  I know she could be sicker with her disease and I am grateful for her being stable but I still ask "why God why?". 

A friend of mine, Kathy,  showed me something this week that I had never seen or thought about or if I did I ignored it.   I have believed that I am a person of great faith but I believe I am a person of great faith if God doesn't allow my daughter to die.  I can't say in all honesty that if Nicole were to die I would still have faith and believe.   I don't believe I could live my life without her and my life would have no purpose.  I love nobody more on this earth than I do my daughter, just like any other parent. 

Joyce Meyer shared a story of her diagnosis of breast cancer twenty plus years ago and she questioned why this had happened when she was  praying for others with cancer and watching healings.  I could so relate to her.  In April 2009, less than one year before Nicole's diagnosis I went to the obgyn to get a script to get my hormones tested as I was having some issues with my memory and thought maybe it was related.  It turns out that the annual pap I had had in July 2008 had come back abnormal but I was told it was normal from the company who does results.  I had to have a biopsy etc. and was diagnosed with carcinoma-in-situ which literally means "cancer on the lining of the cervix".  After the out-patient procedure in which they burned a portion of my cervix and the pathology report came back I had two choices ... one I could wait three months and get another pap to see if the procedure had worked and I had a normal pap or I could have a hysterectomy.  Long story short...I ended up getting a hysterectomy and there was no cancer in my cervix and the original procedure had worked.  I didn't need any further treatment.  Joyce said she heard God say to her during her cancer ... I don't want you to question this I want to hear ... I trust you... You're good... I believe you love me... and all things work for good to those who love You and are called according to Your purpose. I can look back on this experience and see now what the purpose of this was for me.  I am so grateful, even though I didn't want the surgery, for things working the way they did as God knew what my life was going to be like. 

My goal for 2012 is to work on getting my faith to be unconditional and also to stop questioning why this has happened to Nicole and my family.  I have to accept that I probably will not understand until I am standing before God.  I have to believe that even through the difficult days, which seem to be everyday, that all things work for good. I must try and bring myself to stop asking "why" and just say "I trust you Lord".  I'm not sure how I can do this but I must try for myself and for Nicole.  I want to be able to help Nicole's faith be restored also and to make her see that she has a powerful purpose for her life.   I need to do this in every aspect of my life... whether it is with our financial struggles, personal struggles, health struggles etc.  I must believe that God is good.... He does love me... and all things work for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. 

1 comment:

  1. Jane, This is a wonderful testament to your faith. Sometimes, it seems that God tests the people with the deepest faith the most. My prayers are with you and your family.