Sunday, November 27, 2011

Been in a funk...

I've been in a funk this week.  I haven't been sleeping well which is something I usually don't have a problem with but for the last week I either can't fall asleep or can't stay asleep.  I'm not sure why this is. I'm thinking it is because I have altered my evening routine which is watching an hour of TV with Nicole usually until about 9:00 p.m. then I check facebook, email and plan for tomorrow.  After her last dose of medicine I clean the machine and get it ready to for tomorrow.  At this time I usually start water boiling for tea which I have while I read a book for about 20 minutes before I go to bed.  I stopped doing this and believe maybe this is one of the reasons. 

I have been a little depressed/sad because November around Thanksgiving is when my Grandma died and also a very good friend/neighbor of mine died.  I also think about (which I really shouldn't) whether this could be our last holiday together as a family.  I'm not looking forward to Christmas because it will be tight in the gift giving area which isn't the meaning of Christmas but still I feel bad as I won't be able to give like I will be given to.  I don't think that I have looked forward to Christmas since last year which was the year Nicole was diagnosed.

I have been very stressed out trying to switch over insurance coverage for Nicole and coming down to the wire with running out of a couple of her medications because the doctor's office didn't do their job properly.  I am seriously thinking of not returning to their office anymore but I don't want to negatively impact Nicole's treatment. 

I've been  a little upset with myself because I feel that God has put a call on my life and I don't feel that this is unfolding I guess the way I feel that it should.   I have felt pretty much invisible for the majority of this year.  I don't have friends call or come over like they use to and feel as though I am being swallowed up by Nicole's medical issues. 

I know the Bible tells us we are not to worry as it will not add one day to our lives and I really, really do try to do this but with Nicole being so ill, having no insurance for Rick and I, and our finances being so tight along with other issues I can't help but worry for the future for Nicole and Rick and I. 

I think what happens is when I get a lot of issues going on like I have this month with the insurance I get overwhelmed and then I get in a very negative pattern of thinking and I think that is what has happened.  I have to turn around and get the positive back.   I think some of it is the fact that I think more about myself than I do about what I can do for others. 

I look forward to climbing out of the funk. 

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