I've been in a funk this week. I haven't been sleeping well which is something I usually don't have a problem with but for the last week I either can't fall asleep or can't stay asleep. I'm not sure why this is. I'm thinking it is because I have altered my evening routine which is watching an hour of TV with Nicole usually until about 9:00 p.m. then I check facebook, email and plan for tomorrow. After her last dose of medicine I clean the machine and get it ready to for tomorrow. At this time I usually start water boiling for tea which I have while I read a book for about 20 minutes before I go to bed. I stopped doing this and believe maybe this is one of the reasons.
I have been a little depressed/sad because November around Thanksgiving is when my Grandma died and also a very good friend/neighbor of mine died. I also think about (which I really shouldn't) whether this could be our last holiday together as a family. I'm not looking forward to Christmas because it will be tight in the gift giving area which isn't the meaning of Christmas but still I feel bad as I won't be able to give like I will be given to. I don't think that I have looked forward to Christmas since last year which was the year Nicole was diagnosed.
I have been very stressed out trying to switch over insurance coverage for Nicole and coming down to the wire with running out of a couple of her medications because the doctor's office didn't do their job properly. I am seriously thinking of not returning to their office anymore but I don't want to negatively impact Nicole's treatment.
I've been a little upset with myself because I feel that God has put a call on my life and I don't feel that this is unfolding I guess the way I feel that it should. I have felt pretty much invisible for the majority of this year. I don't have friends call or come over like they use to and feel as though I am being swallowed up by Nicole's medical issues.
I know the Bible tells us we are not to worry as it will not add one day to our lives and I really, really do try to do this but with Nicole being so ill, having no insurance for Rick and I, and our finances being so tight along with other issues I can't help but worry for the future for Nicole and Rick and I.
I think what happens is when I get a lot of issues going on like I have this month with the insurance I get overwhelmed and then I get in a very negative pattern of thinking and I think that is what has happened. I have to turn around and get the positive back. I think some of it is the fact that I think more about myself than I do about what I can do for others.
I look forward to climbing out of the funk.